I Want to Go Back
by AQGalaxy
Summary: Chloe's mind when in a coma


**Chloe's POV **

I think I am dead; yes I am sure of it. I mean why else would I be in this place, that's just white… I just don't understand how… Damn why is it so bright out? It's like someone has a very very strong, intense light over my eyes, just remove the burning sensation. Am I dead? I don't see or hear anything. In fact I don't feel anything in terms of touch either. I feel alone… Last thing I remember was seeing… oh GOD Lois! Oh please God, please make sure she is alright. I just can't, she was dead in my arms and I cried… oh my, the tear and then the bright light. Is this what that light is? Is this what I have become? Did I die for Lois? If this is the after life I feel cheated where is my family? Where is the tunnel with the light? Where is the warmth? Those liars! Man, I need coffee, NO! No coffee here… sweet lord, I must be in hell! But, how can this be hell if it's a white light? Did hell have a location makeover or something?

Calm down Sullivan, get a grip. There is a completely rational explanation to this. Yeah, I cried on my cousin, possibly bringing her back from the dead, screwed myself in the process, and I have this gift because I was infected with green rocks that my Best Friend brought down with him when he crashed landed after being spared of getting blown up on his home planet. Yeah that is a completely rational explanation. How messed up is that? I worry about ending up in the nut-house when my life is practically what those admitted in one are thinking about.

Well Sullivan you are a Reporter at the Daily Planet, lets see if I can figure out what is going on. Alright, found Lois dead, cradled her lifeless body, cried, bright light and I am here. I hope Lois is alright, I have a feeling she is. But… I just can't take more heartache. I have to give myself some credit. With school, the Planet, Clark's secret, and Lana's as well, worrying about Lois's well being, Lex's threats, I have yet to cave, and on top of that my now long distant relationship with Jimmy and the stress coming with that, and other personal problems I have… It's just not fair. I mean, everyone comes to me, and I help them, but who do I go to?

Clark? No, Clark has enough on his plate then worrying about his good friend Chloe. Besides now that Lana knows his secret I guess my role as protector and confidante gets limited. To put it bluntly, it would be nice not laying to Lana and I admit, a part of me feels sort of happy about it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being the only one who Clark can turn to, but I just want a break. You know some time off and enjoy life. But then there is the other part of me, the larger part, that doesn't like the fact Lana knows. I don't want Clark to stop coming to me. With Jimmy out of town, I only have Clark. I love helping him, I don't mind being his sidekick, and it helps keep me sane. How ironic. Helping my Alien best friend with his problems, which included a crazy world dominating power hungry Kryptonian dictator and Phantom escapees from an Alien Prison keeps me from my going insane. I love Clark, no if ands or buts…. However, I know my place, in fact sometimes I wonder if he truly needs me. With Lana knowing, he probably doesn't anymore. I go back to the role of him just coming to me when he needs info then leaving, just like High School. So let's do the check list. I lose my mom twice, my dad is MIA, it's been almost a year since I talked to him, and almost two since I last saw him. My boyfriend is out of town the moment I need him the most, at a time when he could really prove to me he can be the rock I desperately need, because lately with his insecurities about me and Clark. I already come to the painful realization that Clark and I will never be the last thing I need is my boyfriend worrying about me and Clark. I swear if I lose Jimmy for good because of Clark…. Lets just say I would show a side of myself no one has ever seen.

Okay went on a bit of a tangent, lets get me get my thoughts back on track. Topic, who can I go to with my problems.. Cross off Clark and Jimmy, who's next Lana? Ha NO. Lana, I love to death, she is like my sister, but I swear she has more faces then a rubix cube I am still shocked that she was going to let Lex die like that in that underground tunnel. She came a long way with him from me and Jimmy listening her declare her love for him. I mean, I could give a rat's ass on what happens to Lex. Frankly after what he pulled on me and my mother, I want him to burn in hell. Besides Lana got pregnant with his child, declared her love for him, and next thing I knew she loves Clark. I still don't know what Clark sees in her but, apparently she makes him happy in a way I never do. Besides one disagreement with her and Lana can be very nasty and may be keen to blackmail. After all she is a Luthor now.

So that leaves Lois, if she isn't dead. I don't know, she is the only one I have left, the only family I got. I can't burden her. I can't lose her, but with Lex eyeing me, I can't help but feel one day he will go after her. I mean look at what happened at the damn Dam. I told her, I TOLD her, not to go up against Lex, at least just yet. She went investigating and got stabbed and died. If it wasn't for my magical tears…. She would have been dead I would be alone. I hope she is okay…

So who else is there no one. That way why I went to a psychiatrist, but let me say I dropped his sorry ass after the incident with the Gretchen possession. He wanted nothing but deem me crazy and lock me away, no sere bob; I am not seeing him anymore. You know, this is nice. I know I feel alone but I don't feel sad by it. I feel content, safe. I no longer feel the pressures of my life, I feel free for the first time in my life. And this feeling is good. Oh thank you meteor power! No worries or doubts, no heartache and fears. Yeah, I do have some regrets but I am probably better off. I mean, take Clark and me. I regret not telling him how I feel but… if we started something when he returned from the Phantom Zone, Lana eventually would have returned to the picture, I mean those two haven't spoken to each other since Lana dated Lex, how does Lana even know Clark was single, I mean he could have been dating someone. And if it was me, that means, Clark most likely would have left me, for her or something to that effect and I would be forever hurt. I mean it's bad enough facing I won't have Clark, but when I see him and Lois getting Close… all I know is if something happens between those to, it would be a huge slap in the face to me, like, I am not ever good enough. He can notice my cousin but not me. And Lois is like me to an extreme! I mean it's bad enough that I feel like I am settling with Jimmy, after all he is my first and only boy friend. I think I jumped with him to prove Lex wrong, that I was more single by choice then by not being wanted.

You know, if I am dead, I am better off. I would have no more sadness I mean, I am actually feeling happier now then I ever did. My world no longer feels as if it was collapsing around me. I admit the only thing I have right now that I have always wanted is my job at the Daily Planet. But then of course, if I push Lex the wrong way he could take it away from me, so it's like it isn't worth it. I rather be brought down with him then by him. I don't want to go back to that.

I mean yeah I love Lois, Clark, Jimmy and Lana but, what do I have there? Jimmy is gone, absent when I need him the most. Lois, I can't burden her for she will never understand what I am going through. Clark, please he is a big dumb alien, excuse me, intergalactic traveler, for all intention purposes, and I honestly wish for more gratitude from him, but hey maybe it's a Kryptonian thing. Seeing Clark is a reminder that I have always sacrificed for other, but who has ever sacrificed for me? 

God, I am acting like a damsel, like, poor Chloe, feel bad for Chloe. NO! I am not Lana! I don't do that. I might want people to feel for me, and want to help me and stuff but not because I make some sort of sign that screams 'HELP ME!' but because they want to help, just like how I want to help Clark and be there for Lana. Oh well I am happy and… hey why is everything getting dimmer? Oh god why do I feel afraid all of a sudden? What is going on? Oh god what is that beeping! No Please God No!

"Chloe!" I turn my head just as I feel Clark's arms around me, holding me close to him. I always feel safe and content in his arms. This is what I want to feel like constantly. That is what it felt like in the light… My gaze shift to the door as it opens.

"Smallville" My heart flusters, I was right, Lois is alive, thank god! "Here, got you some Co-CHLOE!" She dropped the coffee, how can she waste coffee like that! But soon I feel her arms around me, squeezing me. Both of them are holding on to me. I can't say anything, I don't remember how, well I do just can't find words. I let the two of them hug me. I feel my shoulders dampen, they are obviously crying.. "Don't ever scare me like that again cuz!" Lois cried, holding me tighter. I held on to them. I want, I want…

"We thought we lost you Chloe." Clark's voice was unusually crackly, is he crying too? He never… I want to say something. I want to do something more then hug them back. I want to… I feel my eyes glaze over, but I know I can't cry, I can't shed a tear. Just then I feel the stress of my life returning. Lex, kill or be killed, Clark and Lana sharing his secret, Jimmy is gone, my parents are no longer around, worries about Lois. I am a freak, I can't shed a tear because if I do I… I let them fall, for I want to go back. I want to go back to feeling safe and content in the light.

**THE END.**


End file.
